Shhh ... don't tell!

There's a big mountain of manure been left near by where I live and has sat there for the last 3 weeks. It has now 'gone off' (for want of a better word) and it STINKS.

I mean since it's been sat on the concrete in an unused area it's been rained on, the sun has dried it, it's become wet again, and dried again ... can you imagine how this has made it disintegrate? I didn't think manure could "go off" but I guess that if it doesn't become one with soil and sits as high as a mountain exposed on concrete then something unnatural is going to happen to it.

To give a bit of history, I live close to a local football pitch which has recently had it's grass re-seeded. The manure/fertiliser (whatever this thing is) has done wonders for the pitch which has already returned to it's former glory. But the mountain of excess manure/fertiliser left behind .... FORGOTTEN ... seems to have just degenerated into a pile of stank filth.

Didn't really notice anything to begin with. However, around the beginning of this week, as I was on my way out with my son, we walked past an area which smelled really bad. I mean really REALLY bad. We both said "Pooohh!" in unison. Didn't know what it could be at the time, but once past the offending smell we didn't think any more about it.

That was until we returned home later in the evening. It seemed the smell stepped it up a gear and had taken up a wider area.

So let's say we first identified this foul stench on Tuesday. It is now Saturday and, as you can imagine, it's just humming. I mean it's no longer just a bad smell, it's almost ALIVE and weaving it's way around the whole neighbourhood. You can even smell it from the high street.

Anyway, I was still in the dark as to what could be causing the problem until I heard a passer by say "There it is!" and pointed to a mountain of manure/fertiliser which was sitting in a closed off unused area. And when I say "mountain" I really do MEAN it's a mountain. It's high enough to climb and conquer (not that anybody would want to!).

There are no words that can describe this disgusting odour other than it's like a combination of vomit, excrement and decay all magnified and rolled into one.

Today I have been unable to open any windows because the smell is contaminating my living space (and I live 4 floors from the ground). I can even smell it now and my windows are closed.

Once within smelling distance you see people holding their noses. I just pull whatever garment I'm wearing up over my nose, choosing instead to breath in whatever scent is on my clothing.

So now that I know what the problem is I'm going to contact the relevant bodies FIRST THING.

That pile of poop HAS to go!! Goodness knows what kind of disease it'll end up harbouring.

I'm trying to learn salsa. I haven't actually been to any lessons. I'm not very good with following steps, I get very confused. I'm more of a 'feeling' person. I sort of watch and get a feeling for how it should go (which I know isn't exactly the best way of learning anything). I'm like that with music too. I play the piano, but I can't play by sight - it's just too complicated and it takes me a long time. I need to hear a piece of music first, then I can play it. I find it much easier. By sight it's just too techinical and what will result is a groping, stumbling mess.

Same with this salsa thing. I did go to one lesson many years ago. We all had to have partners, and I couldn't keep up. The guy that was teaching us kept counting and I kept getting left behind. :-( Maybe it would be different if I tried again now? Meanwhile I just like watching how others dance via video.

Below is my attempt! It was fun trying to do, and the music is great too.

Now all I need to do is learn Spanish!

I strongly dislike this egg. I want to throw things at it.

I love perfume.

My sense of smell is very very acute to the point where I actually dream smells. There was one time I dreamt of a scent so BEAUTIFUL, I'm not joking I think I was actually smelling Heaven or something. Upon breathing it in it was as though every negative emotion and thought evaporated, all stress relinquished ... it was like feeling intense relief and relaxation. It was like breathing in pure love, the purest love you could possibly imagine - it just filled your heart with warmth and calmness. It was some dream! All that from a fragrance??? When I woke up the fragrance wasn't there and I felt robbed. I even tried to get back to sleep again. "Bring that dream back!!!!" I was so disappointed. The smell was just pure ecstacy. It really was. If I could revisit a dream again it would be that one, just to smell it ONE more time.

Anyhow, enough of my crazy scent fuelled dreams.

You know what I have a particular thing for? I LOOOVVVE men who smell good. And by 'good' I don't mean someone who has drenched themselves in cologne - that just kind of destroys my nasal cavities. By good I mean someone who smells clean with a hint of a secret fragrance. Mmmmmm yum!! I could be there nuzzled next to them all day.

Over the years I have indulged in many scents. I mean, I don't have many vices, don't smoke, don't drink .... but I DO get a big headrush when I smell a gorgeous fragrance. I have to have it!! Fragrances are my vice. I also love to buy fragrances for people as gifts. I think about their personality and what kind of scent would suit them, and added to that it's just so much fun trying out so many wonderful aromas.

Someone brought some perfume oil from Egypt for me recently when they returned from their travels, and I have to say it smells DIVINE! And such a big bottle too - it'll last me forever!

I would really love to design a fragrance like the one in my dream. I just don't believe there is any way anyone could dislike it, because it wasn't really about the fragrance itself, it was more about the way the fragrance made you feel once you'll inhaled it.

Mmmmmmm ....

One day perhaps.

The company I workefor recently moved to brand new offices in the heart of London. The new office is AMAZING. The area, not so amazing - it's TOO expensive. There's nowhere to eat except the usual coprorate places i.e. Nandos, pizza express, Wetherspoons, Gastro pubs, ALL outrageously priced. Yeah, I know I could bring in my own lunch. I do sometimes. But at lunch time I like to escape the office. And this leads me to my other gripe.

It's WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY too cold in there!!! I have to dress for winter in order not to be frozen to death by the killer air conditioning in there. We didn't have proper air conditioning in our last place. So it's like they've gone to the extreme with the air conditioning just because it actually works. I have complained. Actually it's not just me who's complained, a few others have too. But they just don't seem to be listening.

I need to get a thermometer just to see how cold it really is. When you have to sit an office with a fleece, a coat AND a scarf on in JUNE then you know something isn't quite right.

So yesterday I was a bit miserable.

Today I'm not so miserable.

In fact today I'm much happier. Which is good. There's no point in wallowing. You have to allow youself moments in your life to wallow and reflect on things that aren't so good. When you have acknowledged this, somehow it makes you feel a little clearer, makes it a bit easier to deal with. Not that you don't still feel what you feel, but it's no longer all locked up inside chewing away at you.

I'm optimistic. I may not have met anyone, but that's not to say I WON'T. I've just got to be patient.

So moving ON from all of that, today has been good.

One of the type of people I find most irritating are those who read too much into everything you say. They over analyse every WORD you utter and break it down, trying to decipher the 'true' meaning of something you have said. Usually they are way off, but somehow they act as though their over-analysis of your behaviour merits them as some kind of genius.

These types are the ones who join in bitching sessions adding fuel to the fire with their 'clever' observations on the way you intoned something or the choice of words you used. They say stuff like "Yeah, but if she was telling the truth ... right .... why would she have said 'MAYBE' like that? And even then I thought there was something funny about the way she said 'maybe'. You can't hide nothing from me, I'm too clever for that."

ugh! Gimme a break ....! *sheesh!*

People like this stir SO much trouble up but are never quite as vocal when they realise they were either in the wrong, or made a fuss about nothing (which is usually 9 times out of 10).

You know, what I'd love most in the world is to experience love and to be in a loving relationship. I've never had that, and I dunno - this makes me feel a bit unfulfilled.

I just seem to fall in love with people who seem unable to reciprocate (or reciprocate seriously). Am I to go throughout my whole life having to endure this vicious repetitive cycle? I either fall in love with people who seem unable to reciprocate or I have suitors whom I am unable to love. Both situations are as bad as each other for different reasons.

My brain sometimes hurts with frustration. Why am I ALWAYS on my own when other people settle down so easily?

This is not to say I haven't ever been in a relationship. I have a son from one such relationship which I would have loved to have worked, but I had my heart broken instead, and since then I guess that's been it.

People are always telling me what a 'lovely person' I am, and how surprised they are that I'm on my own. But then .... regardless of the surprise, that's it. I always seem to be left on the side.

It's like this. Remember team events at school? You had two kids as team captain and they had to pick from the rest of the class who they wanted for their team? There were always the same few kids that would be picked last. Be under no illusion. Those kids KNEW they were going to be picked last because it would ALWAYS happen. They put a brave face on it, maybe even turning it into a joke, but deep down, they're rejected and it breaks their heart. You know?

Well that's how I feel. Always left till last. The one you'd go for if there wasn't anyone better. Or the one you'd have a half-hearted interest in until a better replacement came along, leading them along, making them THINK they are actually important to you. That makes me a bit sad.

Actually .... well, I just spend my time trying to act like I'm not bothered. "I don't need no-one!" I say. Then come the inevitable questions "But don't you get lonely?" You know my direct response to this will be "No, Of COURSE not, I'm not interested. "

I wish I could put the way I feel right now down to PMS or something. But ... I'm not going to use PMS as an excuse everytime I have to confront feelings I try to keep surpressed.

My life's ambition isn't about climbing the career ladder and making millions. For me, it's just about finding someone to love, and to be equally as loved by that someone. But it's as though whatever you want most in life is one thing thats the most difficult to attain.

I'm easy going, relaxed, sometimes a bit impulsive, I like deep talks and discussions, I like to envisage the impossible ... I also like to go for walks to nowhere in the sunshine, I like to dance, I like to laugh, I like to share, I like to love and be loved. Why is that so awful? I'm not asking for diamond rings, or rich husbands. I'm not asking for Mr Tough Guy. I'm not asking for the hunk of the Year. I just want someone who I can share love with. So what's so bad about that? Why has it not been for me? Why has it escaped me when others seem to find it so easily?

I'm not usually like this. These thoughts are the ones that usually get swept under the carpet. You know?

But today I'm feeling particularly low because I have been side-lined by someone I had a lot of feelings for. I thought we had a real connection, we were goods friends and even became lovers; I felt very positive, I was really happy - you know. For a while I almost dared to believe that this was IT!! But it seems it wasn't to be, he's just sort of moved on with the classic "It's not you it's me" line ... as an explanation.

So ... here's looking to the future. Now that I've gotten all of that off my chest I'm sure something will happen when I least expect it. But right now I guess I have to try and work at getting through this heartache.