Shhh ... don't tell!

So yesterday I was a bit miserable.

Today I'm not so miserable.

In fact today I'm much happier. Which is good. There's no point in wallowing. You have to allow youself moments in your life to wallow and reflect on things that aren't so good. When you have acknowledged this, somehow it makes you feel a little clearer, makes it a bit easier to deal with. Not that you don't still feel what you feel, but it's no longer all locked up inside chewing away at you.

I'm optimistic. I may not have met anyone, but that's not to say I WON'T. I've just got to be patient.

So moving ON from all of that, today has been good.

One of the type of people I find most irritating are those who read too much into everything you say. They over analyse every WORD you utter and break it down, trying to decipher the 'true' meaning of something you have said. Usually they are way off, but somehow they act as though their over-analysis of your behaviour merits them as some kind of genius.

These types are the ones who join in bitching sessions adding fuel to the fire with their 'clever' observations on the way you intoned something or the choice of words you used. They say stuff like "Yeah, but if she was telling the truth ... right .... why would she have said 'MAYBE' like that? And even then I thought there was something funny about the way she said 'maybe'. You can't hide nothing from me, I'm too clever for that."

ugh! Gimme a break ....! *sheesh!*

People like this stir SO much trouble up but are never quite as vocal when they realise they were either in the wrong, or made a fuss about nothing (which is usually 9 times out of 10).

You know, what I'd love most in the world is to experience love and to be in a loving relationship. I've never had that, and I dunno - this makes me feel a bit unfulfilled.

I just seem to fall in love with people who seem unable to reciprocate (or reciprocate seriously). Am I to go throughout my whole life having to endure this vicious repetitive cycle? I either fall in love with people who seem unable to reciprocate or I have suitors whom I am unable to love. Both situations are as bad as each other for different reasons.

My brain sometimes hurts with frustration. Why am I ALWAYS on my own when other people settle down so easily?

This is not to say I haven't ever been in a relationship. I have a son from one such relationship which I would have loved to have worked, but I had my heart broken instead, and since then I guess that's been it.

People are always telling me what a 'lovely person' I am, and how surprised they are that I'm on my own. But then .... regardless of the surprise, that's it. I always seem to be left on the side.

It's like this. Remember team events at school? You had two kids as team captain and they had to pick from the rest of the class who they wanted for their team? There were always the same few kids that would be picked last. Be under no illusion. Those kids KNEW they were going to be picked last because it would ALWAYS happen. They put a brave face on it, maybe even turning it into a joke, but deep down, they're rejected and it breaks their heart. You know?

Well that's how I feel. Always left till last. The one you'd go for if there wasn't anyone better. Or the one you'd have a half-hearted interest in until a better replacement came along, leading them along, making them THINK they are actually important to you. That makes me a bit sad.

Actually .... well, I just spend my time trying to act like I'm not bothered. "I don't need no-one!" I say. Then come the inevitable questions "But don't you get lonely?" You know my direct response to this will be "No, Of COURSE not, I'm not interested. "

I wish I could put the way I feel right now down to PMS or something. But ... I'm not going to use PMS as an excuse everytime I have to confront feelings I try to keep surpressed.

My life's ambition isn't about climbing the career ladder and making millions. For me, it's just about finding someone to love, and to be equally as loved by that someone. But it's as though whatever you want most in life is one thing thats the most difficult to attain.

I'm easy going, relaxed, sometimes a bit impulsive, I like deep talks and discussions, I like to envisage the impossible ... I also like to go for walks to nowhere in the sunshine, I like to dance, I like to laugh, I like to share, I like to love and be loved. Why is that so awful? I'm not asking for diamond rings, or rich husbands. I'm not asking for Mr Tough Guy. I'm not asking for the hunk of the Year. I just want someone who I can share love with. So what's so bad about that? Why has it not been for me? Why has it escaped me when others seem to find it so easily?

I'm not usually like this. These thoughts are the ones that usually get swept under the carpet. You know?

But today I'm feeling particularly low because I have been side-lined by someone I had a lot of feelings for. I thought we had a real connection, we were goods friends and even became lovers; I felt very positive, I was really happy - you know. For a while I almost dared to believe that this was IT!! But it seems it wasn't to be, he's just sort of moved on with the classic "It's not you it's me" line ... as an explanation.

So ... here's looking to the future. Now that I've gotten all of that off my chest I'm sure something will happen when I least expect it. But right now I guess I have to try and work at getting through this heartache.